Looking for quickwitted,master bullshitter,nerd,lesbian extraordinaire

Need to replace best friend who ran away to Peru to become king of the great Lesbian forest. Applicant must be a quickwitted, master bullshiter, nerd, lesbian, extraordinaire

So if I say "I've been working out." Your response would be something like "Sure? Don't see any mussels. Some oysters. Tons of crabs." Props are a must. You should approach me with a dog anti-mating spray as a present and then claim I don't need it to repel girls.

You also have to be a nerd...so if life screws me over and I say "I haven't been fucked like this since gradeschool", you should get the reference.

Mastery of liquor is also necessary. Liquor and me is inseperable. Unless it is Maker's Mark mixed with nyquil. Then I am seperated from everything.

Must be a girl. I have too many dude friends. Though many of them lack balls. But hey, thats Stanford for yah.

Strictly platonic. Single lesbian preferred. That way I can say I don't know any lesbian names and dub you something like squiggles, muggle, moony, wormtail, prongs, or padfoot. Yeah. Padfoot.

So here's the deal, I will only consider you if you take this test. If you fail, I need a good naked picture. Like a really good naked picture. No Susan Boyles or Ryan Seacrests. If you score a one double "O", then I am willing to look pass your size and absence of penis, and move onto public improv stage.

Part A: Nerd

1. If my name is Mr. Jones, what would this test be?

2. If I call my cock the warrior of the wasteland, then what is its real name?

3. Name four references used in the introduction of this test.

Part B: Liquor

1. Invent a drink that describes yourself. +10 if it is flaming.

2. What goes well with cucumber juice?

3. Taste Jose Cuervo Especial and then Patron Anejo. Describe the difference.
   Draw it.

Part C: Wit

1. My shirt and shoes are covered in pink and white paint from painting fences. What is your response?

2. One of my male asian friends turn Absolutly Pink from too many shots of liquor. What do you say to him?

3. I am passed out drunk. What do you do to me? Extra points for movie reference. Extra Extra points for kinkiness.

Part D: Lesbian Test

1. You're stranded on an island with Megan Fox. Describe in detail.

2. You're stranded on an island with Kat Von D Describe in detail.

3. You're stranded on an island with Megan Fox and Kat Von D. Describe in detail.

Essay A: Define intelligence. Why do you fit/not fit this profile.

Essay B: Write a whale of a tale. Then eat a tail of a whale.

Extra Credit: Using only the words above, write a poem.